Dear Jihadist: Zawahiri Letter to Zarqawi

A paraphrase of Zawahiri's letter to Zarqawi:

Dear Z,

Hey! I'm Z too!  How cool is that?

We love what you're doing there in Iraq.  Seriously, dude.  You rock.  Everyone knows that Iraq is where we jihadists have to win, and you're the man for the job.

Binnie, (well I call him Binnie, but I don't suggest anyone else try it), asked me to remind you though of the order of the Hate List.

-  Jews:  It goes without saying, doesn't it.

-  Infidels:  Almost as bad as the Jews.

-  Shiites:  They might be Muslims, but they're not our people, right?

You know we're going to wipe out the Jews, but we're pretty sure they've got nukes.  So Binnie and I are thinking long term.  We want you to focus on number two on the list, the Inifidels.  We know that the Shiites are easier to blow up, and the infidels are armed.  But, some of the cleric types get all bent out of shape when we kill other Muslims, and it's really gonna make crowd control a b*itch if we keep wiping out hundreds of them.  You know how it is.  Everyone is related to everyone.

So, work on killing the infidels for now.  You don't have to be successful, after all, because the media will do all the heavy lifting for you.  As long as the media says the Infidels are losing, they are losing.  It doesn't matter what the facts are.

Look at that Washington peace march.  That Cindy Sheehan is sweet, eh?  Blaming that madman Bush, when it was our guys who killed Casey.  We got the Sheehan's, that Moore idiot, the commies, the socialists, the anti-semites.  All on our side. 

Have you ever been to D.U.?  I love that place.  Thinking they're patriots while they attack their own country, instead of us.  I just about wet my pants laughing so hard. "ChimpyMcBushitler!"  Rolls off the tongue, don't it? "Iraq is not part of the war on terror!"  Post it again, brother!

You just need to keep the media line going.  They'll raise enough of a stink that the weak Americans will be forced to take their toys and go home.  The sooner the better because I hear some of those local Iraq boys are getting their house in order.  Not one unit has gone out the back door during a fight since that cursed election last winter, eh?  Rotten luck.  All the more reason to keep them yelling Quagmire!

Speaking of the media, we need to talk about Infidel Videos.  (We've played them so many times, we had to burn a new CD.) I know how you love that sword, but all the blood, you know?  Again with the clerics.  It also makes it hard for the peace freaks to describe us as "freedom fighters."  Their freedom fighters used guns.  We think you should stick with that when you tape the infidel murders.  Sometimes you have to compromise, Z.

So, once the infidels leave Iraq, we'll come join you there for Taliban - The Sequel.  From Iraq we spread to Syria, Lebanon, and Egypt.  Celibrate the Caliphate! Finally, we wipe Israel off the map.

I hate to tell you that it's all over for us here in Afghanistan.  Of course, D.U. still thinks we're winning here, so it's not all bad.  Most of the top dogs were wiped out by the mangy infidels.  Remember the days when we had our own camps, when the cash flowed from everywhere?  Now I'm lucky to get a shower and a decent meal.  Which reminds me, I need to pay the Al-Jazeera dues.  Can you spot me some cash?  We'll get it back to you when we meet again in Iraq.

We're counting on you, Z.

Comments

[Uncle Ben]

Was that paraphrase or parody? ;)

[Uncle Ben]

Off topic. Sandy, do you really think that I'm that stupid? Perhaps it's just hard to fall out of love before falling back in. There are other mitigating factors as well. Maybe I'll use the MOB as a big psycotherapist if things get crazy!!! :)

[Sandy]

O.K. I give you credit. But, if we were to assume the relationship goes somewhere, at some point you'd be telling her about your blog, right?

I'm just sayin' you might have to deal with it somewhere down the line.

[Uncle Ben]

She knows about the blog, but she doesn't know the address. If things go well that would presumbably mean that I'll be falling out of love as I'm falling into it. In which case said post will be deleted with all haste!