M.A.W.B. Squad

Instant Dry Heaves

The Governor just came running into the room crying and cupping his left hand in his right palm.

What's wrong, little man?

I hurt my hand!  I hurt my hand!  Can you kiss it?

Sure. (smooch, smooch, smooch) How did you hurt your hand?

I banged it inside the toilet.

.

.

Are you okay, Mom?

Only fifteen more years until I can officially kick him out of the house.

Kiss Me!

Senate majority leader Bill Frist offered the Democrats a compromise on judicial nominations yesterday, 100 hours of debate followed by an up or down vote. 

Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid said he would look at Frist's offer, but wasn't all that charitable in his description. "It's a big wet kiss to the far right," he said.

To which I reply, Kiss Me! (audio file warning - in case you're at the office.)

I've got a nuclear feeling in my bones.  The tide seems to have turned and the Dems are on the defensive. (Though Captain Ed points out: "100 hours of debate means that it will take seven months to get the seven nominees currently stalled by Democrats in a position to be confirmed.")

If we weren't at war, I would be more concerned with who we're going to put on the Supreme Court than I am with who our current President is.  That's why it's so critical to break the filibuster now.  Am I dreaming or is that a light at the end of the tunnel?

C is for Court Date

I found this story on the StarTribune website just now:

Associated Press

April 29, 2005

WAUKESHA, Wis. -— Girl Scout cookies aren't free.

One scout group has filed small-claims lawsuits against people who failed to pay up.

Christine Slowinski, communications director for the Girl Scouts' Great Blue Heron Council, said the legal action Thursday came only after several efforts to collect the money from sales of cookies in the annual fund-raising campaign over the past two years.

The amounts owed by two couples and three other women ranged from $301.42 to $1,485.68.

"We call many times before taking this step,'' Slowinski said. "We send them letters. When all else fails, this is our last resort.''

Form letters that preceded the legal action read, "Please note that nonpayment for Girl Scout cookies represents fraud,'' and advised the non-payers to arrange a repayment plan.

$1485.68?!  Oink.  Around here a box of G.S. cookies sold for $3.50 a pop.  This deadbeat bought over 400 boxes of cookies?  And how does one end up owing odd change like 68 cents?  Are the troops charging interest?  I may have gotten out of the Girl Scouts far too early.

Hey Suzie, did you get your sewing badge this year?

Yeah!  I made an apron for my Mom.  What are you working on?

My litigation badge.  I'm taking Mrs. Parker's ass to court for shafting me on 400 boxes of Thin Mints.

Cool!

Rock, Paper, Scissors

How would you fare if landing a 20 million dollar account for your company depended on your performance in a game of rock, paper, scissors?  Auction houses Christie's and Sotheby's faced off for the business.  The winner's ace in the hole?  Eleven year old twins.

Via Metafilter.

A Post Not Written By Sandy!

Well, Sandy, when are we going to change the name of this scratching pad to "Party of One"?  Sorry, dear, for letting you shoulder all the work lately.  The Outpost has been overrun with germs of all sorts.  I think we may be able to remove the quarantine signs now.  For the first time in weeks, everyone slept through the night.  We're all feeling great and doing a bit of trumpeting at the round earth's imagined corners.

I knew my English degree would come in handy some day.

Thursdays are a popular day around here.  No school, no nursing home, no swimming lessons, no need to change out of our pajamas.  Perfect blogging environment.  Unfortunately, unless you want to hear about how we're the first family in town to get penicillin on tap, I don't have much to say.

Well, I do have one question for you.  If your three-year-old calls you "Mama Kryptonite," is that a good thing or a bad thing?

We Got Your Diversions Right Here

I'm on the run today, so I'm just going to share some links:

Male Pregnancy? - Screams hoax to me especially since I see links to the site going back to 2002.  Rather a long gestation, eh?

Survival Skills:  In case you're planning to be the next island contestant.  How to start a fire with a can of Coke and a chocolate bar.

Apple vs. Dell: Are Macs more expensive or is it a myth?

Calling all Star Wars Geeks:  Darth Vader has a blog.

Inherently Tacky Elastomeric Copolymer Microspheres:  Twenty-Five Years of Post-it Notes.

Y'all come back now, ya' hear?

Beware Hypnotic Cows

On our way into town on Saturday, the car in front of me leaves the stop sign doing maybe 10-15 miles per hour.  So, I'm already wondering what's up with them, (medical emergency? car problem?), when they meander over into the opposite lane, still at a snail's pace.

To add to the anxiety, we're at the bottom of a short hill.  Maybe 50' until it tops off.  If someone flies over it, which we're likely to do out here where we virtually own the road, the Snail Driver will get splatted and we're sure to be collateral damage.

I laid on the horn a couple times.

Snail Driver pulls it back over into the right lane and hugs the side of the road, giving me the option to pass.  After we top the hill, I pull up next to him, slow down to a stop and roll down the window, still wondering if I'm going to need to remember CPR.

Aha!  Snail Driver is actually a local Grandpa and he's topped 90 if he's a day.

"Are you O.K.?", I query across the gap.

"Yes. I'm fine."

"I'm just asking because you were driving on the wrong side of the road?"  (Hint. Hint.  Driving on the wrong side of the road might not be a good idea, in case that little detail had slipped your mind.)

"I was just a-looking at the cows." he explained in a high pitched sing-song voice, as if it's the most natural thing in the world to wander into the other lane at the bottom of the hill because the cows caught your fancy.

Now, I'll admit the farmer on this corner has a fine herd.  They could even be described as downright good-looking as far as cows go.  I'm sure Snail Driver Grandpa also has a finer appreciation than I do of their worthiness since I'm a city girl transplanted to these parts.

Maybe their very fineness cast an hypnotic spell upon him, drawing him into their cow gazing trap.  I don't profess to understand farm animal mysteries.

The second, and more likely explanation, is that Grandpa no longer has the attention span needed to operate a motor vehicle.  Maybe I should have taken down his license plate number.

I did watch the ditches on my way back home, hoping I wouldn't discover him there, mesmerized by another encounter with the animal kingdom.

"I was just-a-lookin-at-the-cows....."

Role Reversal

I rode with the girl to drop her off at work last Thursday.  There was a little bit of conflict over the radio.

Smoking Mad

An editorial in the JS Online endorses the idea of a statewide smoking ban in Wisconsin, and a pretty restrictive one at that.  Disappointing, but not too surprising.  Then I get to this part:

A bill that would achieve this ambitious but worthwhile goal is being circulated in the Wisconsin Legislature by Rep. Mark Gottlieb (R-Port Washington) and Sen. Alberta Darling (R-River Hills). Although current Wisconsin law bans smoking in many public places, it authorizes smoking areas. The measure backed by Gottlieb and Darling would drastically reduce the number of these exempted places.

Under the bill, smoking would be banned in mass transit vehicles and school buses, schools, movie theaters and government buildings. Significantly, smoking areas would no longer be permitted in offices and other places of employment and in retail establishments, such as restaurants. The proposed law contains no grandfather clause, which means it would apply to all, not just to businesses that open in the future.

This is what my Wisconsin Republican state senators are up to?  It's enough to make me wretch!

I got my blood pressure up enough on Senate judicial nominations yesterday to spend 45 minutes hitting redial to try to get through to Frist's office.  (When I did get through his voice mail box was full.) Now my state Republican party is working against the rights of property owners.

Do they have any concept of who their base is and how ticked off we are right now?  Let your U.S. Senator feel your wrath here.  For the Wisconsin state senate go here.

Check Out Those Breasts!

I bet that got your attention.

Talk show host Laura Ingraham, who recently announced her engagement, was diagnosed with breast cancer on Friday.

Laura's breast cancer was picked up during a simple breast examination by her OB/GYN. The tumor was not even visible on a mammogram! You MUST make sure that you, and every woman in your life does a monthly breast self-examination. Learn to do it correctly, slowly, carefully. If you feel ANYTHING that seems strange or unusual, go immediately to your OB/GYN. Make sure that you and/or the women you know go for an annual gynecological appointment for a comprehensive check up. Laura is embarrassed to admit she had not been to her doc in more than three years. Really stupid (her words, not ours). Don't be afraid to ask your friend, girlfriend, sister, mother, or wife if she has done everything to detect breast cancer. We all need someone to remind us, get on us, demand that we take care of ourselves.

I was on the road this morning so I heard her call into the show.  They were waving her into surgery.  Also, on the way home, I was flipping through the dial and caught Hannity saying she was going to be calling his show with a post surgery update, so I guess it went O.K.

While I want to send our best wishes to Laura, I also want to remind all the budding female dictators to Check Out Those Breasts!, and for those of us who've reached a certain age, go in and Get Your Breasts Smashed on a regular basis, OK?