So, Chad the Elder, hatched a long term plan for M.O.B. domination with news of the birth of son, Nathaniel, on Saturday. Congratulations! It seems an opportune time for us veterans of parenting to hand out unsolicited advice, because you can bet someone did it to us first. Payback!
- Time: The clock nows speeds up by a factor of 10. By the time they're teenagers, you will only be able to accomplish in a month what you used to accomplish in a day. (If you're lucky.)
- Potty Training: I'm confident that if you think about it you'll realize that you don't know any adults that were never successfully potty trained. (Those who have reverted to Depends don't count. They had the concept at one point.) So, don't let the parent peer pressure mill get you down. That neighbor who claims hers were trained at 16 months? Lying.
- Popularity: You can be assured that you are doing your job well when your child proclaims that they hate you. It's a true sign of parenting success. When they writhe on the floor and moan that it's the worst day of their lives because they've suffered the consequences of their own behavior? Just try not to smile in front of them.
- Disclosure: You might want to rethink public disclosure like this. There's no benefit to your child to know the complete truth about their parents youthful indiscretions until much, much later in life.
- Grandparents: Speaking of lying, expect your parents to lie to you about your children. Being on the front lines yourself, you will know the true terror that your child can bring to the table. But, when you pick them up from Grandma and Grandpa's they will tell you that they were "perfect angels". Also, if you still have a "room" in your parents house? It's gone. Everything your parents reserved for you will now go to the grandchild. You are now a second class relative after the grandbaby. (It's not that they want to hurt you. It's some strange giddy gene that turns on when their children produce offspring.)
- Repeat After Me: "Life is not fair. Get used to it." "Yes. I will check up on you." "What were you thinking?" "Ask your mother." All phrases you will become intimately familiar with.
I'll close with a conversation heard in my kitchen recently between the PiC and the Boy:
Boy: I thought you were going to hold the door!
PiC: Well. I thought my children were suposed to bring joy to my life?
Boy: It's a common misconception.
Yes. He has his father's sense of humor. Actually, they are the essence of joy. The closest thing on this earth to God's unconditional love. Enjoy!
P.S. Sears had a program called Kidvantage, where they will replace a piece of clothing in the same size if it wears out. For now the wee one will grow too fast for it to be of use. Later, say 1st and 2nd grade when boys spend copious amounts of time playing on their knees, it can pay off. I could never keep the Boy in knees.